She arrived at summer's doorstep only a couple week's ago, filling my heart with a happiness I didn't know I was lacking. I'm certain she was a product of learning my love languages + completing a strenuous semester + shifting stress levels downward (in a big way) + breathing more fresh air + feeling sunshine. Through her eyes, I saw Dave more clearly and was overcome by a greater capacity to love. Love him. Love myself. Love my life.
As the honeymoon phase of summer's commencement fades, so does this new face I've come to love; and realities and agendas begin to flood into the tranquil valley I had started to cultivate: taking the GRE, editing poetry for grandma, knitting baby blankets, finding a part-time job, finishing a three week course, paying off summer tuition and medical bills...when all I really yearn for is travel and to play outside. Amidst all this, I also hope to squeeze out a little courage and pursue/nurture a tiny seed I've carried for a long time now. Summer is supposed to be a breeze, and somehow I am managing to be overwhelmed by these gusts.
Like bumbling hands trying to grip sand, I've grappled to keep this kind, loving, and assured sense of self. Over the last couple days, I've pendulum-ed a lot between moments of utter breakdowns to clicking into place. Notice the house isn't on my list of agendas. We're finding a nice balance between living simply + creating our home space. A huge part of this has been letting go of style and design blogs (and un-subscribing from bloggers who are talking about their home design projects way too much). Quieting this online presence has left space to simply see our own home with fresh eyes and ask what we truly want/need from this space. An inviting space for reading and chatting in the evenings? A space for creativity and meditation? Do we need a dozen houseplants if we emerse ourselves in the outdoors - in nature - every day? We don't have to live in a sterile, minimalist house - we even plan to throw a few more bright colors on the walls - but living simply truly does leave room for the greater parts of life.
Like sunshine and adventure.
Like health and happiness.
Currently, I am simply trying to get back to basics. Eating habits, exercise, yoga, climbing, morning routines...had all become off kilter or non-existent, and I've turned to a naturopathic doctor to help me reach balance again. They may seem small in the scheme of what I'm experiencing right now, but I suspect this is my ego playing it up. I have a feeling - a very hopeful feeling - starting small is the way. Breathe, deep breaths and often. Move my body. Nourish it. Continue with large doses of sunshine every day.
It's a process, one I am experiencing right now. In this moment. There is only so much I can control, and I'm throwing my arms up in good faith to the rest -- sending my intentions out into the universe -- and hoping at least some fall into place. I'm certain this would be much more difficult without Dave. He's a rock. I worry I often abuse his solidity and foundation on my return to the life of a frazzled, broke college student.
But here I am: a little broken, more than frustrated...but smiling somehow. I caught glimpse of a beautiful girl and her feminine potential. She touched me, and I touched her, and she just wants to be Love.